13-Year-Olds Dealing with Death and Graduation

Last week my 13-year-old son’s teacher did not show up to school Monday morning.  Staff from the school went to his house and found the 35-year-old teacher dead on the floor with no apparent cause.  Mr. Brian Hegarty was a well-liked teacher who had completed his doctorate and chose to stay with St. Clare School even though he could have earned more money elsewhere.  He was looking forward to becoming principal of the school in the fall.

Bill Wilson Center was called that morning to bring grief counselors on the campus to help support the teachers, staff, and students. We immediately sent staff from our Centre for Living with Dying program which was followed by other counseling staff.   I arrived to find the principal meeting with one of our counselors going over information on how to break the news to the teachers and then the students.  “When Death Impacts Your School”  is a document we have developed that takes excerpts from the books, Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers and When Death Impacts Your School: A Guide for School Administrators to share with school personnel on what to do in this situation.  Teachers were told during their lunch break and had 20 minutes to grieve and process the news before they had to tell their students.  St. Clare School of only 330 students is a close community – everyone knew the gentle and kind Mr. Hegarty who stood on the same corner every morning and greeted each student by name.

 I went with the principal and one of our counselors to break the news to the 8^th graders who were preparing to graduate in 4 days.  How do you tell 31 kids that their young and healthy teacher has just died?  Kathy Almazol, the principal, told them succinctly and with limited emotion so that the students weren’t overwhelmed.  A collective sob from 31 students burst out.  It was heart-breaking.

 The students lit a candle that I had with me for the occasion in Mr. Hegarty’s memory.  A large banner was placed outside the classroom where students and former students wrote notes to their beloved teacher.  Parents were sent an email about the loss and parents began to arrive not sure if they should take their children home or let them console each other.  All the 8^th graders agreed that they needed to get out of the classroom – too much in there reminded them of Mr. Hegarty.  They gathered around the lunch picnic tables sharing stories about Brian, still in a state of shock.

 That night a Facebook memorial page for Mr. Hegarty was started and within hours had two hundred members.  Current and former students wrote notes about him.  Some wrote poems.  It was another gathering place for students to mourn.  .  Eighth graders were told that the Wednesday night graduation dinner dance and Thursday graduation would go on as planned.

 I came back to school on Tuesday to support the school and to see if I could help. Our counselors were busy at another school Gunn High School  where a second suicide by a student was being processed.   One parent came up to me and ask, “are you here as a parent or grief counselor.”   Whether by choice or circumstance I was both. 

 By Wednesday evening the 8^th graders were beginning to get back into the spirit of graduation.  After all, Mr. Hegarty would have wanted them to celebrate.  The parents and kids were dressed up and the 7^th graders began serving dinner.  After, the kids enjoyed the dance and had a brief time to enjoy themselves as they should.

 One of the celebrants that night was Lu Guidici, the former second grade teacher who had taught the 8^th graders before retiring.  She was a real character often wearing sparkling clothing.  That night she left the dance with a couple of parents.  Something happened and Lu slipped and hit her head on the cement stairs.  Students were asked to stay inside until an ambulance could arrive.  Some left by the side door after being told it was not serious.

 However, most kids knew something was up.  The texting continued into the night and my son knew that his best friend’s mom was at the hospital until 1 am.  The next day I spoke with the principal and found out the head wound was very serious and death was eminent.

Should the 8^th graders be told about the death of their second grade teacher or should it wait until after their graduation that night?  Ms. Guidici died soon after.  Ms. Almazol spoke with the students at the end of the day and only told them the news after a student asked how Ms. Guidici was.

 I braced myself for the new wave of grief but this time it didn’t come.  Most students had already processed that she was going to die and others just could grasp the fact that another person had died in their lives.  How much grieving can one school and class take? 

 That night 31 students graduated and celebrated the life of their teacher and making the transition to high school.  The next morning the students greeted the mourners at the funeral mass for Mr. Hegarty.  The students will forever be connected with the shared experience of grief and graduation.